I decided to blog the day after the day I am writing about so that I have time to reflect. I am clearly longwinded and have a lot to say about the things going on around me. So with one day in between writing, it gives me the time to think about what I reaaaally want to focus on and what I can probably leave out. Also, sometimes important things happen at night and then it would not be recorded in my log of a day.
Yesterday was Labor Day so I didn't have shit to do. I mean, I had a lot of shit to do but I decided to use it as a day of rest after such a long weekend but it was a day of rest I could not afford. Maverick still had work so he left at the usual time and I slept in longer than usual, waking up around 9am. I always wake up at 5:30am when he leaves for work to feed the cats and make sure the door is locked behind him but on days like yesterday, I can peacefully go back to sleep. I woke up to a text from Maverick saying he would get off early for Labor Day and would be heading home around 10:30 - 11:30 am. I was super happy to hear this because I missed him after a long weekend away and a long week in classes. Sometimes I feel guilty for leaving him because I travel much more than he does and have the opportunity to do so many incredible things / go to so many incredible places because of connections I have at school. I was practically gone the entire summer while he had to stay home and work. A home that is only home to us because I moved us across the country where he has only a couple of friends, btw. Anyways, the guilt of being gone on a weekend trip in NYC that some people sit around and dream of while he stayed home alone was eating at me. By the time he got to the house, I had cleaned, eaten a small breakfast of things leftover from my weekend (yogurt I took from the hotel, cottage cheese bought by Leah, something else apparently insignificant enough I can't remember it), and started writing my diary entry for the weekend. It took me forever because I was covering three days and those three days were packed with things and memories I wanted to remember. He seemed to be happy I was writing a journal entry and I kept showing it to him so he could see how much I had written. "Ooooh", "wow!" he would exclaim each time and it made me smile.
We had to take my car into the shop, I found a small Mexican family owned mechanic by chance and I trusted them from the second I pulled my car into their garage back in July for an oil change I had been procrastinating for far too long. I knew something was wrong with my brakes but I needed financial aid to come in so I could afford to do something about it. It was getting to the point I couldn't stop without them squeaking and on rare occasion when I would hit the brakes, the car wouldn't stop and I could feel them almost skidding beneath my feet. That was always scary and I would say a small prayer to my ancestors to please protect me just until I got money back and could get them fixed. I made dad call to get the price estimate a while back because Spanish is his first language obviously and I knew he would be able to communicate easier than me. They priced me at $300. I don't know anything about cars but that didn't seem completely unreasonable and I was happy to support a small business regardless. I have never been more excited to go to a mechanic and fix something so I could stop praying anytime Maverick or I were out driving. The weather outside was gorgeous, warm with a hint of fall, and it felt good to be outdoors. I asked Maverick to come with me and he replied with, "do I have to?" in which I said, YES. He hates running errands with me and I hate that he hates it. I often do all of the mundane things for our home by myself. I get the groceries, I take the car into the shop, I take the cats to the vet, blah blah blah. Every time I ask him to do something like that with me, he will make it a big deal and complain and if he does tag along, you can feel like negativity hanging in the air like a raincloud. At times I prefer to just go alone so I can get things done without feeling like I'm walking on eggshells but I really like the company. Sometimes when he comes, he will be on his phone, not talk to me, and when I try to talk to him, he responds with the bare minimum. I will ask if he is upset with me and he will say no but I know he is because he is annoyed he had to tag along. Sigh. Oh well. So when I said he had to come along, I quickly followed it up with a, "but we can find a little shop in the neighborhood and grab a treat! It will be fun!" He said he didn't want a treat but also didn't complain too much and mentioned he wanted a haircut anyways, maybe we could find something in the area.
We dropped the car off for a general inspection with mention of the brake issues and went on with our day. This is the first time we have had to have our car really worked on since moving. Every time we took it in back home, someone in my family would follow behind so we could go home while it was in the shop. We didn't have that luxury this time and I was nervous because I knew the longer we were out, the more irritable he would get. There were no barbers in the neighborhood after all and when I looked for a coffee shop, they were all closed. Labor Day, duh. Thankfully a park I really enjoy was just down the street so we walked there so we could enjoy the weather and try to relax. It was so busy, everyone was out enjoying the holiday which was great to see. We found a gazebo and just sat, not talking very much but enjoying the cool breeze and each others company. I asked if he wanted to get ice cream but he said no so we continued to just sit and do our own thing, talking about the people around us every now and then. He was being a little boring but he didn't seem to be upset so I couldn't complain too much. Around an hour of sitting there, he said he was ready for ice cream and I was excited. I realized the shop beside the park was the one I took my brother to while he stayed with me this summer. I got him a cone, whatever he wanted, and he even got a fancy cone, but I couldn't afford one for myself. His looked so good, I thought about that shop often just waiting for the day I could go back. I practically skipped with anticipation and then we saw the line which was so long it went pretty far down the sidewalk. One thing about Maverick, he hates lines. In fact, most of the time, he refuses to wait in them. I could count on fingers and toes the amount of times we have driven somewhere to grab a food one of us was craving just for him to see a long line and turn around to go somewhere else. I was so worried he wouldn't want to go and his face showed that he was clearly thinking about it. If I remember correctly, he even said something along the lines of "this line is so long, I don't know if we will be going", but we did. I tried to be extra cheerful and reminded him that it's just ice cream, how long can it take? The line has to move fast, and it kinda did. There were so many flavors I was overwhelmed and wanted them all. I was originally going to get the kind my brother got but then I saw the person in front of me walk away with a flavor that looked incredible and got that instead with a classic cookies n cream. Maverick got two scoops of chocolate fudge or something like that which is extra chocolatey. We walked back to the park and sat by a small pond to eat our ice cream.
The pond was completely covered in bright green moss and lily pads. It reminded me of the pond I grew up beside when I was a kid. My sisters and I would go out every morning with sticks and clear off as much moss as we could thinking we were "cleaning the pond". We treated it like a 9-5 and it's one of my fondest memories, we didn't have a care in the world. After a while, I looked at my phone and realized we had been waiting for over two hours and Maverick was started to complain because he wanted to leave. They called me right on cue but had just finished the inspection, the brakes still needed replaced. The guy told me they needed replaced immediately, they were grinding metal on metal. Makes sense. He also said it would be just over $300, exactly what I had budgeted, perfect. Maverick insisted we needed to leave, he couldn't wait around any longer, especially on his day off. I did understand that part, he works very hard all day in the hot sun, doing physical labor. I'm sure he wants a day to just relax inside and be lazy too but I couldn't help but feel annoyed. We had to Uber back home, I didn't want to pay for that just to Uber back two hours later but it was the only option. We got home and he wanted to plan our one year wedding anniversary which is next month. I love planning trips so of course I agreed. We planned for maybe 5 minutes before he fell asleep but it just made me giggle, I knew how exhausted he was. I didn't mind, I wanted to finish my journal entry and had homework to do. I was able to finish everything up when they called me about picking up my car, in another Uber I went, Maverick didn't want to go which made me kinda mad but truthfully he didn't need to.
I got back home and called my friend, Malorie. We used to kinda date a couple of years ago but now we're just friends. We were really close for a while but once I moved to Baltimore, I stopped talking to her. I needed some space but now I'm afraid I took too much and feel guilty about it. I used to talk to her and see her often, now I talk to her maybe once every 6 months. She wants to see me every time I'm visiting but I don't have time. I could probably make the time but I refuse, that is precious time with my siblings and family, plus my one best friend at home that I see every time. We had so much to catch up on obviously so we talked while I walked to the grocery store down the street to grab a couple of things for dinner. I made taco soup, easy and quick, but dragged it out a little so I could talk longer. Admittedly, I enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would which shouldn't surprise me because that always happens. After an hour and a half of talking, I said I had to go, I had homework I really needed to do. However, I've always been a procrastinator so the second I sat down at my computer, I started looking at plane tickets back home. We have a lot we need to go back for this semester which sucks because flying is expensive and driving is not possible. After I paid everything I owed and caught up on all bills, I only have $2,000. That will go as fast as water, tickets alone were estimating to be about that much for the two weddings we have to attend and Christmas. As good as it feels to be caught up and not getting calls every day, it also feels like I can't get ahead. I keep reminding myself this is temporary, I will graduate soon and get a real job and everything will be okay. It has to be, this can't last much longer.
After seeing the flight tickets, Maverick said he would stay in Baltimore for Christmas so I could go. Horrible idea, we had to do that last Christmas and I was so worried every single day I would call him one night and he would never answer, if you know what I mean. We discussed it for a while but he wouldn't budge and he had a sadness in his eyes. He's bipolar and unmedicated so we go through the highs and the low lows. It seems like we have more low lows than highs and I don't know how to help or what to do. I just feel helpless, like I always have a weight laying on my chest. I asked him what was going on and he told me he wasn't doing well again. He isn't a risk to himself but he wants to die, praying one morning he just won't wake up. It makes me feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I tried thinking of anything I could say to help but there is just nothing. He said he has no hobbies, no skills. Okay that's fine, lets learn one together, what do you want to do, anything and we will figure it out. He says he wants to learn how to play the piano. Perfect, I will get him one, I don't know how but I will. He actually does have a lot of hobbies and many talents, he is one of the most talented people I know. He puts 1000% of himself into everything he does so he is just incredible in a lot of topics. His bipolar disorder seems to make his hobbies come and go like water so sometimes it's hard to keep up. However, this is his first time suggesting a new one and not going back to an old one so I am quick to support. Sometimes I feel like I am juggling 100 things at at time and his mental health is the heaviest for me to figure out. I know it's hard for him too of course, it's selfish of me to complain. I suggest that maybe it's time he finally accepts help and gets put on medication but he points out that medication is expensive. He is right, that is not an option right now after all. We lay down, I run my hand through his hair and kiss his cheek and rub his fingers. Sometimes he makes me so frustrated I think I become cruel to him and then in moments like this I feel like I have a baby deer I have to care for, how was I ever so mean?
I remind him this is temporary, this isn't forever. Everything will be okay, things will get better, we will grow old together and do so much and laugh at these times. I tell him I love him probably a million times and suddenly it feels like I haven't told him that in forever. I can't tell if what I'm saying helps at all but I need it to more than anything. I hate this, I hate that he goes through this and I am dragged along. I am so helpless. He finally tells me he can't listen to my promises of a better future anymore, I've been going on for over an hour, he needs to go to sleep. He is right though, it's already 11pm and he wakes up in a few hours, he will be tired. I have to agree but I want to beg him to stay awake and listen to my fragile promises all night. Did I tell you I love you? Can I tell you again? Did I mention it's going to be okay? I promise. Remember when we said we were so excited to start a family someday? That will be so beautiful, let's focus on that. Let's focus on all of these events so far in the future and plan them together so we can both envision it, I need you there, I need you to be excited too. Begging someone not to give up, but it's your husband, and you are barely keeping your head above the water yourself. At the end of the day though, I can keep my head up and I know it and I can help coach him on how to doggy paddle until we can get to the shore. It will be okay. I am panting, I am out of breath, but it will be okay. I can see the shore in the horizon.
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