Rage

     

    I want to scream but I am in class so that would be weird and I am really trying to stay composed. I think it is inappropriate to wish death to people on the internet so I won't but I want to. So instead I just am coming here to say I am so angry that words can't come close to expressing how I feel. I will probably keep it short because I don't think posting here will actually be helpful but I wanted to get it out somewhere I could see my words. I wish I could protect everyone I love and keep them from making mistakes that will cause them hurt and anguish in the future but we can't do that. My mom keeps telling me to "love her through it" and just support her as much as I can. I'm trying my best, I want to support my sister in every way I can and have her know I'm here. I also want to shake her and yell at her because all of this was so preventable. However, that would be worthless, not helpful, unproductive. So I will just keep loving her the best I can and hope that it's helpful. If not today, then tomorrow, or the day after. Just keep on loving her.

Two posts, one day?!

 Two posts, one day, who am I?! It’s only because this is so fresh on my mind thanks to my post from this afternoon. I feel like a fool right now. I’m really embarrassed and disappointed and ashamed and I think more than anything, I just want to be wrapped up in a bit hug and have someone tell me everything is okay :) I know that sounds silly, lol. I have a lot of thoughts and I don’t know what I want to post here and what I don’t because I’ve always had trouble writing down the really big thoughts. Something about physically seeing them and having it be more tangible than a bunch of tangled thoughts in my head scares me. I also find that silly because I like to pride myself in being open and emotional. I guess I contradict that but are we really who we think we are? I got home from working in the studio and it was a really long day. I’m trying to learn how to code! Something super basic but it’s kinda kicking my ass which is to be expected because, well, it’s coding. I didn't think it was going to be easy, I just have to do it. I think I over scheduled myself for this semester, which my therapist has been telling me, and I kept telling her it’s okay because it’s only a semester. Days like today remind me that a semester is a long time, even though it doesn’t feel like it while in the school haze. I don’t feel like going into the details because I think recounting it will exhaust me but I got home feeling frustrated with my husband. He doesn’t help around the house, especially not with the meals, and that’s something I could really use help with while the days get longer. He said he was going to take care of dinner and then didn’t, so I got home a little hangry after not eating anything all day to no food. I know that’s not that big of a deal but something about it felt hurtful. I think I was more angry with myself that I believed I would get home to a meal than I was with the fact I would just go to bed hungry. I also had amplified the entire thing in my head to feel like it was something special so the disappointment from the lack of hype that was created (only by me in my head) was also crushing. Just two days ago I had said something along the lines of “you know I have never in our six years gotten home to just a meal ready for me”, which is true. I had also told him today I was having a long day and I know he could hear it in my voice because he pointed it out. So when he mentioned taking care of dinner I thought, wow, he remembered what I said a couple of nights ago and is going to treat me after a long day. That felt special I guess and so like I said, I made it that. So I was kinda double disappointed and hurt and I just felt dumb. I was so frustrated that I was in tears but I just sucked it up and tried to go to bed. He had tried talking a bit but I wasn’t really in the mood obviously but instead of apologizing or wrapping me in a hug, he said “so you’re just going to be annoying all night?” I thought … me? I’ve been thinking about what a surprise dinner would be for 5 hours, and I’m annoying you through my frustration? Sometimes I kinda feel like I’m being pranked and then I think, maybe I’m just stupid because I don’t understand. I calmly explained to him everything that made me feel disappointed and hurt, I cried some little baby tears but I thought I did a super good job holding it all together. He couldn’t even see the tears because it was dark after all and they were so small my voice wasn’t shaky. Every time I would get done making a point he would follow it up with something that seemed like he was purposely just trying to make what I was saying irrelevant rather than trying to understand how he would feel in the situation. I felt like I was going crazy, I was just holding my head and doing deep breaths. This isn’t the life I pictured for myself. Then I lost it, only a little, and said something about how frustrated I was and when I rolled over on my side, he just got up and went to the living room to lay down without saying a word. It felt kinda comical to me, because again, how are you going to be mad at me for being upset? I laid down for a few moments trying to compose myself before going upstairs to try to talk to him but I felt like there was no point, he always refuses to talk to me. This time was no different obviously and I sat on the edge of the bed begging him to tell me why he was upset but he refused. He just said he didn’t want to see me and to go away. I asked him to come back to bed and he said absolutely not. I don’t know why I wanted him to come lay down so badly when before he left, I wanted to be as far away from him as I could. This has happened before and I know better than to entertain the idea he will come back to lay down with me after making that decision. He then went on a rant about how me explaining my frustrations reminded him of all of the things he’s angry with me over that he has pushed down over the months. None of which I can really share because he wouldn’t tell me any of those either. I told him not to push those down, I need and want to know, but he kept just telling me to leave immediately and that he was trying to sleep. “Didn’t you have such a long day today? Don’t you have such a long day tomorrow? You do right? Go to bed.” It’s times like these where I feel soooo far away from my family and I remember it really is just us here. I wanted to run away but I have no where to go. I just wanted someone to hold me and say it’s going to be okay. I would have been okay with a turkey sandwich or a quesadilla for dinner, that would have been just as special to me. It feels like I’m not worthy of even the bare minimum. He said I was the one that made it out to be special in my head. He needed food and was going to get something for me too, simple as that, then he decided not to eat. He said it was never something he offered to help me out or do something after a long day, that he had a long day too. I sat there and thought, has he ever had a moment where he’s wanted to do something special for me just because? I’ve never gotten home to my favorite meal, or takeout waiting for me, or a fresh cooked meal on the stove. I don’t deserve that, not even once? He then brought up that we have nothing in common and that I’m boring. That kind of hurt my feelings but I did just make a post about being a shell of a person so I couldn’t argue too much. I probably am boring, I just don’t always know what to do and we’re on a budget while I’m in school so the things I want to do I can’t afford. But even if I had endless money, what would I spend my time doing? I’m not sure. I told him there are plenty of things I enjoy doing and he scoffed and said, “yeah, I can’t wait to watch Shrek and take a walk around the block.” That broke my spirit I think. I just sat there, for once I had nothing to say. I used to ask to watch Shrek all the time when we had first shared dating. I just thought it was silly and it was one of those childhood comfort movies, I used to watch it with my family all the time. He never lets me pick the movie, he’s the only one that gets to pick what we watch, so obviously we never watched Shrek. That was the only reason I would request it so much, I just wanted to watch it together and we never did, we still never have. I stopped requesting after a while, I don’t think I’ve asked for that since like 2019. Also, my favorite thing to do on a beautiful day is take a long walk around the neighborhood. I love the fresh air but more than anything, I love looking at the buildings. I find the architecture so interesting and beautiful, especially in the areas we’ve lived together. He hates taking walks with me and refuses to do it unless we’re walking somewhere he needs to go. Even then, we walk fast and I can’t look at the buildings. So I don’t know, it just felt like a stab in my heart. Is that all I am to him? What an embarrassing human being from his perspective. Just someone who wants to watch Shrek and go on a walk around the block. I sat there and cried in the dark for a long time, but silently because he thinks my tears are crocodile tears half of the time. Shrek and a walk around the block. I don’t know if I will ever get that out of my head. I wished more than ever I would have just gotten home and let it go and laughed. “No dinner? No problem!” And then we would have giggled ourselves to sleep. But instead I’m laying in bed by myself while he sleeps upstairs since he refused to be around me. I’m the one who is sad and reflecting while he sleeps soundly. And I’m still hungry :( I still wish to be scooped up and held and comforted by him but that exists only in a reality I’m not in. I miss my mom more than ever, I want to be home. I want to be with my siblings. I called my sister and she helped a bit but she’s also a grudge holder. I didn’t want to tell her for that reason but I had to tell someone. I needed her to hold me and rub my head but through the phone with her words, the only way she can. Ugh. My heart is heavy. I just want to feel loved by him, really really loved and cared for. I don’t feel that but I need it, I crave it so badly

Who am I

     

    I have taken some time to reflect and there were many moments when this blog when pop into mind. Things I wanted to write about or express. I realized that my past blog posts are not actually representative of who I am. That is not how I would write in my journal, my journal has always been a space for reflection and deep thoughts, not a walk through of my day. Grad school has been insane lately and I feel like I am hanging on by a thread. Sometimes I hope that I get hit by a car when I'm walking to school so I can get out of doing our fall show but I know that is literally so stupid and take it back. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore, I am a shell of who I once was. I don't have any hobbies and I when I'm not working on a project, I am just wasting away on my phone. I am grateful for my phone of course, otherwise I would be so out of touch with my friends and family, but it seems like a bigger distraction nowadays. I have spent four months working on a big project and I mean like, working on it almost every day for hours. It's definitely out of my normal comfort zone, something I am experimenting with. It's no where close to being finished and that is a problem. Our fall show is on Monday and I have nothing to show. I wish I could be like the artists who work fast, produce a piece in a couple of days or less and then show up to critique with 100 pieces everywhere. I am just not that way, I think the way I view art is poisoned. My paintings would take months to finish and so maybe I am just used to creating pieces that absorb all of my time. But I also struggle to view pieces created in such a short span of time "fine art" and I am trying to be a fine artist after all. I know that is skewed and no longer aligned with modern mentality but I can't shake it. I think my husband contributes to that too so it's hard to break out of the bubble. One night, I had a spark and created an entire piece in probably 7 hours. I hadn't felt so alive and excited in so long, I was running around my studio, throwing things everywhere, creating like a madman. I remembered why I chose this in the first place, the feelings I used to feel when I would create. The piece I made was something I was proud of, proud enough to include it in my solo show I was preparing for. There were definitely areas that could have probably been improved with more time but I liked it, the rawness and vulnerability I felt I captured. My husband hated it and said nothing I create in a day could be considered in the same space with the rest of the work I create. It made me upset at the time and obviously I still think about that conversation. It was a mindset I was already fighting with myself, telling myself the thoughts aren't true and then he confirmed everything I was worried about. I haven't felt that spark while creating again. Anyways, this project has taken me FOUR months. FOUR MONTHS. I am no where near the end and sometimes I feel like I do these things to myself as a sort of punishment. Why I can't paint abstracted, why I can only paint realistically with brushes so small you can barely see the bristles. Why (!) am I like this? So I'm in critique today with a visiting artist we meet with frequently. We see her the most often out of the revolving artists always coming in and out, meeting us and critiquing us all in 30 minutes. She knows me the best and knows my work. I love her and I value her opinion. I was very excited to show her my project. I don't know what exactly I imagine but it definitely included some affirmations that I was on the right track. Instead, I showed her and she said, "Why would anyone want to interact with this?" I was like, actually, that is a great question,  I don't know. I just imagined they would but why? Then I started thinking, why am I creating any of the things I do? Of course I have my elevator speech of what I talk about when I'm asked. It's about identity, it's about the way we are perceived as people, it's about what makes us turn out the way we do. Am I making work that is only relatable to me and people within my circle? Am I wasting my time? I knew grad school was going to be hard. I imagined a lot more tears and mean words and harsh critiques. I didn't imagine that a single question could make me feel like I'm crumbling. How stupid of me! I don't even know what I am doing here anymore. What do I want? Truly. I have some ideas but they feel shallow and lack substance. I want to live on my family farm where I can garden just like my grandma. I want to be surrounded by my family, each of us having our own home built next to each other on the land we grew up visiting. I want to bake and share it with everyone and enjoy meals together. Mom and grandma visited recently and there was a moment that just felt so pure, I almost can't explain it. The three of us working in the kitchen together, one preparing the vegetables, the other doing dishes, the other stirring what was boiling on the stove, all working in unison and just happy to be in each others company. That is what I want. I want to do art for fun again and have ideas that I can just do and be happy with because I love them rather than seeking validation from everyone else, trying to confirm what I am doing is fine art and not craft. I want happiness, I want purpose, I want to feel full again. I feel like I am empty, a shell floating around. I don't know who I am.

All in a Days Reflection

     

    I decided to blog the day after the day I am writing about so that I have time to reflect. I am clearly longwinded and have a lot to say about the things going on around me. So with one day in between writing, it gives me the time to think about what I reaaaally want to focus on and what I can probably leave out. Also, sometimes important things happen at night and then it would not be recorded in my log of a day. 

Yesterday was Labor Day so I didn't have shit to do. I mean, I had a lot of shit to do but I decided to use it as a day of rest after such a long weekend but it was a day of rest I could not afford. Maverick still had work so he left at the usual time and I slept in longer than usual, waking up around 9am. I always wake up at 5:30am when he leaves for work to feed the cats and make sure the door is locked behind him but on days like yesterday, I can peacefully go back to sleep. I woke up to a text from Maverick saying he would get off early for Labor Day and would be heading home around 10:30 - 11:30 am. I was super happy to hear this because I missed him after a long weekend away and a long week in classes. Sometimes I feel guilty for leaving him because I travel much more than he does and have the opportunity to do so many incredible things / go to so many incredible places because of connections I have at school. I was practically gone the entire summer while he had to stay home and work. A home that is only home to us because I moved us across the country where he has only a couple of friends, btw. Anyways, the guilt of being gone on a weekend trip in NYC that some people sit around and dream of while he stayed home alone was eating at me. By the time he got to the house, I had cleaned, eaten a small breakfast of things leftover from my weekend (yogurt I took from the hotel, cottage cheese bought by Leah, something else apparently insignificant enough I can't remember it), and started writing my diary entry for the weekend. It took me forever because I was covering three days and those three days were packed with things and memories I wanted to remember. He seemed to be happy I was writing a journal entry and I kept showing it to him so he could see how much I had written. "Ooooh", "wow!" he would exclaim each time and it made me smile. 

We had to take my car into the shop, I found a small Mexican family owned mechanic by chance and I trusted them from the second I pulled my car into their garage back in July for an oil change I had been procrastinating for far too long. I knew something was wrong with my brakes but I needed financial aid to come in so I could afford to do something about it. It was getting to the point I couldn't stop without them squeaking and on rare occasion when I would hit the brakes, the car wouldn't stop and I could feel them almost skidding beneath my feet. That was always scary and I would say a small prayer to my ancestors to please protect me just until I got money back and could get them fixed. I made dad call to get the price estimate a while back because Spanish is his first language obviously and I knew he would be able to communicate easier than me. They priced me at $300. I don't know anything about cars but that didn't seem completely unreasonable and I was happy to support a small business regardless. I have never been more excited to go to a mechanic and fix something so I could stop praying anytime Maverick or I were out driving. The weather outside was gorgeous, warm with a hint of fall, and it felt good to be outdoors. I asked Maverick to come with me and he replied with, "do I have to?" in which I said, YES. He hates running errands with me and I hate that he hates it. I often do all of the mundane things for our home by myself. I get the groceries, I take the car into the shop, I take the cats to the vet, blah blah blah. Every time I ask him to do something like that with me, he will make it a big deal and complain and if he does tag along, you can feel like negativity hanging in the air like a raincloud. At times I prefer to just go alone so I can get things done without feeling like I'm walking on eggshells but I really like the company. Sometimes when he comes, he will be on his phone, not talk to me, and when I try to talk to him, he responds with the bare minimum. I will ask if he is upset with me and he will say no but I know he is because he is annoyed he had to tag along. Sigh. Oh well. So when I said he had to come along, I quickly followed it up with a, "but we can find a little shop in the neighborhood and grab a treat! It will be fun!" He said he didn't want a treat but also didn't complain too much and mentioned he wanted a haircut anyways, maybe we could find something in the area. 

We dropped the car off for a general inspection with mention of the brake issues and went on with our day. This is the first time we have had to have our car really worked on since moving. Every time we took it in back home, someone in my family would follow behind so we could go home while it was in the shop. We didn't have that luxury this time and I was nervous because I knew the longer we were out, the more irritable he would get. There were no barbers in the neighborhood after all and when I looked for a coffee shop, they were all closed. Labor Day, duh. Thankfully a park I really enjoy was just down the street so we walked there so we could enjoy the weather and try to relax. It was so busy, everyone was out enjoying the holiday which was great to see. We found a gazebo and just sat, not talking very much but enjoying the cool breeze and each others company. I asked if he wanted to get ice cream but he said no so we continued to just sit and do our own thing, talking about the people around us every now and then. He was being a little boring but he didn't seem to be upset so I couldn't complain too much. Around an hour of sitting there, he said he was ready for ice cream and I was excited. I realized the shop beside the park was the one I took my brother to while he stayed with me this summer. I got him a cone, whatever he wanted, and he even got a fancy cone, but I couldn't afford one for myself. His looked so good, I thought about that shop often just waiting for the day I could go back. I practically skipped with anticipation and then we saw the line which was so long it went pretty far down the sidewalk. One thing about Maverick, he hates lines. In fact, most of the time, he refuses to wait in them. I could count on fingers and toes the amount of times we have driven somewhere to grab a food one of us was craving just for him to see a long line and turn around to go somewhere else. I was so worried he wouldn't want to go and his face showed that he was clearly thinking about it. If I remember correctly, he even said something along the lines of "this line is so long, I don't know if we will be going", but we did. I tried to be extra cheerful and reminded him that it's just ice cream, how long can it take? The line has to move fast, and it kinda did. There were so many flavors I was overwhelmed and wanted them all. I was originally going to get the kind my brother got but then I saw the person in front of me walk away with a flavor that looked incredible and got that instead with a classic cookies n cream. Maverick got two scoops of chocolate fudge or something like that which is extra chocolatey. We walked back to the park and sat by a small pond to eat our ice cream. 

The pond was completely covered in bright green moss and lily pads. It reminded me of the pond I grew up beside when I was a kid. My sisters and I would go out every morning with sticks and clear off as much moss as we could thinking we were "cleaning the pond". We treated it like a 9-5 and it's one of my fondest memories, we didn't have a care in the world. After a while, I looked at my phone and realized we had been waiting for over two hours and Maverick was started to complain because he wanted to leave. They called me right on cue but had just finished the inspection, the brakes still needed replaced. The guy told me they needed replaced immediately, they were grinding metal on metal. Makes sense. He also said it would be just over $300, exactly what I had budgeted, perfect. Maverick insisted we needed to leave, he couldn't wait around any longer, especially on his day off. I did understand that part, he works very hard all day in the hot sun, doing physical labor. I'm sure he wants a day to just relax inside and be lazy too but I couldn't help but feel annoyed. We had to Uber back home, I didn't want to pay for that just to Uber back two hours later but it was the only option. We got home and he wanted to plan our one year wedding anniversary which is next month. I love planning trips so of course I agreed. We planned for maybe 5 minutes before he fell asleep but it just made me giggle, I knew how exhausted he was. I didn't mind, I wanted to finish my journal entry and had homework to do. I was able to finish everything up when they called me about picking up my car, in another Uber I went, Maverick didn't want to go which made me kinda mad but truthfully he didn't need to. 

I got back home and called my friend, Malorie. We used to kinda date a couple of years ago but now we're just friends. We were really close for a while but once I moved to Baltimore, I stopped talking to her. I needed some space but now I'm afraid I took too much and feel guilty about it. I used to talk to her and see her often, now I talk to her maybe once every 6 months. She wants to see me every time I'm visiting but I don't have time. I could probably make the time but I refuse, that is precious time with my siblings and family, plus my one best friend at home that I see every time. We had so much to catch up on obviously so we talked while I walked to the grocery store down the street to grab a couple of things for dinner. I made taco soup, easy and quick, but dragged it out a little so I could talk longer. Admittedly, I enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would which shouldn't surprise me because that always happens. After an hour and a half of talking, I said I had to go, I had homework I really needed to do. However, I've always been a procrastinator so the second I sat down at my computer, I started looking at plane tickets back home. We have a lot we need to go back for this semester which sucks because flying is expensive and driving is not possible. After I paid everything I owed and caught up on all bills, I only have $2,000. That will go as fast as water, tickets alone were estimating to be about that much for the two weddings we have to attend and Christmas. As good as it feels to be caught up and not getting calls every day, it also feels like I can't get ahead. I keep reminding myself this is temporary, I will graduate soon and get a real job and everything will be okay. It has to be, this can't last much longer. 

After seeing the flight tickets, Maverick said he would stay in Baltimore for Christmas so I could go. Horrible idea, we had to do that last Christmas and I was so worried every single day I would call him one night and he would never answer, if you know what I mean. We discussed it for a while but he wouldn't budge and he had a sadness in his eyes. He's bipolar and unmedicated so we go through the highs and the low lows. It seems like we have more low lows than highs and I don't know how to help or what to do. I just feel helpless, like I always have a weight laying on my chest. I asked him what was going on and he told me he wasn't doing well again. He isn't a risk to himself but he wants to die, praying one morning he just won't wake up. It makes me feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I tried thinking of anything I could say to help but there is just nothing. He said he has no hobbies, no skills. Okay that's fine, lets learn one together, what do you want to do, anything and we will figure it out. He says he wants to learn how to play the piano. Perfect, I will get him one, I don't know how but I will. He actually does have a lot of hobbies and many talents, he is one of the most talented people I know. He puts 1000% of himself into everything he does so he is just incredible in a lot of topics. His bipolar disorder seems to make his hobbies come and go like water so sometimes it's hard to keep up. However, this is his first time suggesting a new one and not going back to an old one so I am quick to support. Sometimes I feel like I am juggling 100 things at at time and his mental health is the heaviest for me to figure out. I know it's hard for him too of course, it's selfish of me to complain. I suggest that maybe it's time he finally accepts help and gets put on medication but he points out that medication is expensive. He is right, that is not an option right now after all. We lay down, I run my hand through his hair and kiss his cheek and rub his fingers. Sometimes he makes me so frustrated I think I become cruel to him and then in moments like this I feel like I have a baby deer I have to care for, how was I ever so mean? 

I remind him this is temporary, this isn't forever. Everything will be okay, things will get better, we will grow old together and do so much and laugh at these times. I tell him I love him probably a million times and suddenly it feels like I haven't told him that in forever. I can't tell if what I'm saying helps at all but I need it to more than anything. I hate this, I hate that he goes through this and I am dragged along. I am so helpless. He finally tells me he can't listen to my promises of a better future anymore, I've been going on for over an hour, he needs to go to sleep. He is right though, it's already 11pm and he wakes up in a few hours, he will be tired. I have to agree but I want to beg him to stay awake and listen to my fragile promises all night. Did I tell you I love you? Can I tell you again? Did I mention it's going to be okay? I promise. Remember when we said we were so excited to start a family someday? That will be so beautiful, let's focus on that. Let's focus on all of these events so far in the future and plan them together so we can both envision it, I need you there, I need you to be excited too. Begging someone not to give up, but it's your husband, and you are barely keeping your head above the water yourself. At the end of the day though, I can keep my head up and I know it and I can help coach him on how to doggy paddle until we can get to the shore. It will be okay. I am panting, I am out of breath, but it will be okay. I can see the shore in the horizon. 

Committment Issues?

 

Okay, I know I said I couldn't keep up with my journal because of the need to write ... but maybe it's just that I have commitment issues. My last post was like, a week ago? So I'm telling myself I didn't even have 30 minutes a day to get on and keep up with my life... okay girl. If I don't even have the drive to keep up with something I want to do to document the things I'm doing, that says something about me I think. I should bring it up to my therapist on Friday. Anyways, I had a very productive and fun weekend that needs to be documented. I went to NYC to meet my best friend, Leah. She is immigrating to the US from France and purposely scheduled an extended layover in NYC so we could meet up before she goes back to Kansas. I had such a wonderful time getting to see her, even though we only had one full day together. I think a lot about how lucky I am to have a best friend like her. She is so caring and listens to everything I tell her. More than listening, she REMEMBERS. She knows what classes I'm in each day and asks me how they are going. My husband didn't even know my class schedule by the end of each semester and I definitely tell them the same amount of information. We have been long distance besties since about 2020 and so every time we get together it feels like a special moment that I will cherish for a long time. I hope that her officially being back in the United States will mean that I get to see her more often. However, I moved to Maryland from Kansas and so now I'm the one far away :/ She got to our hotel late Thursday night and had most of Friday to herself. She explored the city and had a nice day full of walking and just enjoying the weather. I was supposed to have a class I was going to GTI for on Friday morning but then found out the night before there was a communication issue between me and the professor. The class was actually Wednesday morning which did not work with my schedule at all. I was disappointed because I was really looking forward to being apart of it and to do the readings. I was also disappointed because I had booked a bus for later in the afternoon since I thought I had obligations. If I had known I didn't have anything on Friday after all, I also would have gone down on Thursday night. 

By the time I got there, it was late, like 9pm. She was jet lagged of course since that would be 3am her time but she stayed up so she could see me. We talked for a long time, she was so excited she was practically yelling telling me about her travels and the people next door knocked. I didn't care about their knock too much, it's 9pm on a Friday night, I think there are worse things you could be upset about rather than two girls talking a little too loudly because they are excited to see each other. She won't be able to go back to France for a long time while her visa gets sorted out. I know how sad she is and how much she will miss her family. I was worried she might still be sad when I was there which would have been okay. I was prepared to be a shoulder to cry on if she needed it but the excitement of finally being together kept those feelings away, at least for the weekend. I was waiting for my financial aid to hit, my university sucks and they kept delaying the payment. Since I am a full time grad student, I rely on that money for all of my bills like rent, food, school supplies. I also needed just a little of it for this trip so I was stressed it still hadn't arrived like it was supposed to. We both are on serious budgets though so she had gone to the store before I got there and grabbed some of my favorite snacks so we could avoid going out to eat. Our hotel also had free breakfast so we agreed we would eat so much we would feel sick so we could make it through the day without lunch, lol. I had brought her a heart shaped cake that said "almost married" on it. It was horrible to travel with, I had to carry it tightly on my lap the entire 3 hour bus ride to the city. Then walk downtown with it in tow, finding the bus I would need to connect me to her. The bus driver was crazy, making the sharpest turns I have ever experienced and it felt like the entire drive was turns. I was gripping the cake pan as hard as I could but I was also getting so nervous my hands were sweating which didn't make for a secure grip. It was just a pillsbury funfetti cake mix with their vanilla frosting. I am a baker and pride myself on the desserts I make. I have this cake that I discovered is especially loved here in Baltimore and wanted to make it for her. However, the recipe requires strawberries and heavy whipping cream, two things that are kinda expensive and I didn't have the money for it. I was sad because she deserves the best and I knew she would love the cake as much as everyone else here. When I gave her the cake I did make, she was so excited and said it was perfect. I promised to make her the strawberry cake next time I see her, hopefully in October when I am visiting for my brother-in-laws wedding. We finally went to lay down around 1am because it was late and had practically talked until our faces were blue. Right when we laid down, my financial aid came in. I was about to fall asleep but then I was so excited, I perked right up. I immediately paid off all of my credit cards that had accrued from the semester and the SUMMER (the most financially difficult time I have ever experienced in my life). I also owed my parents about $1,000 they had let me borrow over the course of the past couple of months and I was so excited to be able to pay them back. I hate having to borrow money from them. They do so much for me and they always let me borrow what I need without complaining or guilting me, even though I know it can't always be easy for them financially either. I was practically doing a happy dance. I owed Leah money for the hotel and although she wasn't pressed about my paying her right away since she knew of my financial aid situation, I felt horrible. She doesn't have any of the money apps I do since her bank is in France so I told her I would buy whatever she needed this weekend to pay towards my debt. Anything left over once the trip was over, I would Venmo to her husband. I don't know how their finances work so I didn't want to send him the bulk of the money, just in case it wouldn't go directly to her. I've never liked him very much but she's my best friend and I know that me liking him means a lot to her so I will never tell her that. I paid bills and sorted my finances until I finally fell asleep, the most relaxed and relieved I have been in months. 

We started off our Saturday morning early. She woke up at 4am because, jet lag, and woke me up at 6am. I wanted so badly to roll over and go back to sleep but I was the one that told her to please wake me at that time. I didn't want to miss out on a minute we could be spending together. I think she knew how tired I was and sat on the bed and talked to me until I could fully open my eyes. I then rushed to shower so we could eat our big breakfast we had been waiting for. Neither of us had dinner the night prior so we were hungry and excited. Breakfast wasn't crazy, it's exactly what you would expect from a hotel buffet but neither of us were complaining. I had been craving a big bowl of cereal for weeks and practically dreamed of it all night in anticipation. We ate sausage, bacon, cereal, bagels, pastries, and hard boiled eggs. I grabbed a couple of yogurts as snacks for later and we drank as much orange juice as our stomachs could hold. She had to run to Walmart to grab some distilled water. She had a minor nose surgery last month that ended up having a lot of complications. She should be healed by now but she was almost not cleared to fly with how bad it was. I guess in France they had a saline solution premixed for her that she was given by the liter. Here, she was struggling to find a replacement. She had bought a premixed saline solution the night before and flushed it through her sinuses the way she did at home. It was not even close to what they had given her there and the pain caused her to almost pass out. I wished I would have been there for that, I am sure it was scary experiencing that alone in some random hotel far away from either home. While we were at Walmart, we passed the Barbie section. I am a huge Barbie girl, I grew up playing with them every single weekend with my sisters. I asked her if we could please walk down the isle just to look because it seemed like the biggest Barbie section I have seen in a while. Of course she said yes and I found the Barbie I have actually been looking for since Christmas. It's a olive skinned girl with dark brown hair holding a red head baby with freckles. It made me laugh because my husband, Maverick, is red headed and covered in freckles. I always tell him that when we decide to have kids, I hope they will get those features from him. Seeing a Barbie that resembled me with the baby I have always imagined us having felt like fate in a silly way. I couldn't buy it when I first saw it because I didn't have the extra money for something so unimportant but now, I felt like I could splurge a little. Leah thought it was great and laughed at the accuracy of it all. We went back to the hotel so she could clean her nose and we could do our makeup real quick before officially leaving to explore the city. Doing our makeup together made me feel like I was in undergrad again. We used to do our makeup together several times a week, one of us sitting on the floor in front of a cheap mirror while the other was hunched over the bathroom sink. The two were literally right beside each other so we would just laugh and talk about how excited we were for whatever we were getting ready for. I miss those days but I am trying to learn how to appreciate growing older and the life changes that come with that. The bus connecting us to downtown was right across the street from our hotel which was convenient.  My younger sister Bella called me while we were waiting. Normally I wouldn't answer and would send her call to voicemail since I was with Leah but she is going through the beginning stages of divorce and I know she only calls when she needs to talk about something. It is her choice but her soon to be ex-husband is making it hell for her. I didn't realize how difficult divorce is legally until she started going through this and I want to do everything I can do to help. We talked for a while before she got to work and had to go. Of course Leah was understanding, she knows my family very well and is up to date with her situation. It was incredibly helpful to have her there with me, honestly. I try to stay as calm and collected as I can on my phone calls with Bella because she isn't always emotionally available. I don't want to say things that will shut her down and make her not want to talk to me anymore so I keep my composure and do a lot of listening. However, her calls make me so angry because with every update, she is telling me about something that Gianni did that is absolutely unacceptable. I want to start screaming and yelling when I'm on the phone with her. Not at her of course but I just feel so many emotions. I want to yell about how he needs to leave the house immediately, I want to yell that I am angry she is not being more stern with him. She feels empathy for him and is patient but he deserves none of those things. I answer every call and hang up stewing in my feelings. I don't really like talking to Maverick about these things either. He never says the right things, the things I want to hear, and then I just feel more frustrated. Leah on the other hand always knows what to say and I know she's listening to every word. I told her about how badly I wanted to text or call him. I wanted to tell him he needs to leave my sister alone. "Why can't you just leave?! Why are you doing this? She doesn't want you, go away!". I could never do that though, Bella would never forgive me. So instead, I tell her everything I am thinking and everything that was said and before we know it, our bus has arrived downtown. 

NYC is notoriously an expensive city but we've both visited many many times and didn't need to do any of the touristy things. We agreed to have a day mostly walking around the city, checking things off from our list of things that have never seemed quite important enough on previous trips. We started by walking around Soho, there were a couple luxury French brands that had stores there that Leah was excited to show me. I don't know very much about luxury fashion brands so I just enjoyed hearing her excitement and all of the interesting things she knew about them. One of them she worked at while in Paris and it was really cool seeing the type of store she was working in. I had no idea it was so fancy, every time she talked to me about it I just pictured something similar to Anthropologie. She said expensive and my mind jumped there since for me, that is expensive, lol. She also showed me a brand that she said she was in love with back home, as are her family members. I fell in love with it too unfortunately, they had the cutest little shoes and the perfume smelled so delicate. I like my oblivion when it comes to stores like that because I don't even know what I'm missing. She pointed out some items she loved and I took pictures of them. Maybe I can get her the shoes she likes for a wedding gift if I save up enough. She wanted the perfume and I bought it for her to pay towards my debt. When we walked out of one of the shops, we stumbled across the New York Academy of Art. I was supposed to have an undergraduate summer residency there but unfortunately COVID took that opportunity away from me. I wanted to apply to their graduate program but felt like NYC wasn't the most logical city to live in with the budget I have. They had a show up so their gallery was open and it was so incredible. One of the artists in the show is someone I have followed on Instagram for a while so seeing the paintings in real life felt unreal. I also found a couple other artists whose work I really enjoyed and found inspiration in. In that moment, I regretted my choice to attend MICA more than anything I have ever done. I wasn't able to do campus tours for the schools I was interested in / applied for due to how expensive that would have been. I wish I would have known then what I know now, I would have never attended MICA and waited a little longer before coming back to school. I felt so much regret for both the missed opportunity in 2020 and not even sending in an application for their grad painting program. Oh well, what can I do now? I am a firm believer everything happens for a reason, even if that reason is unclear to me in the moment. I have to trust that this will make sense in the future and become something I am thankful for. I'm sure it will but those few minutes of intense regret were painful.

I recently finished reading A Little Life and I've been talking to her about it nonstop. While we were walking, I mentioned that the apartment Jude lived in was in NYC since that is where the majority of the book is based. I said I wanted to go see the apartment but didn't know how far away it is and didn't want to derail us from our plans. She said she wanted to see too and had me look up how far it was away from us. Incredibly enough, it was only a 7 minute walk. We went and spent a few minutes looking at the apartment while I imagined everything I read taking place inside those walls. She hasn't read the book yet but would like to and she said she was excited so she could now visualize the building while she is reading. I said I would take her my copy of the book when I go visit next month. From there, we walked to Eileen's, a cheesecake shop I had been wanting to go to since last year. She got a caramel cheesecake and I got moose. I tried hers and wished I would have gotten a cheesecake. We sat at a park in Chinatown and ate, watching everyone do their outdoor activities. It was a gorgeous Saturday morning, finally starting to feel like fall, and everyone was outside. There was a vintage shop a couple blocks away we wanted to go to but we had some time to kill until it opened. We just talked and I told her about how I'm going to the Renaissance Festival next weekend. She is excited for me, she wanted to go this last March when it was in her town but she wasn't able to go. In this moment we also realized that somehow we both forgot our water bottles in the hotel and after our sweet treat, we really wished we had them, lol. The shop opened and we made our way, I was so excited to show it to her. I bought my wedding dress there almost a year ago which is a funny story within itself. I'll have to share it another time since I know this entry will be long enough without that tale. She is looking for a wedding dress as well since she gets married in November and she is on a similar budget that I was when I got married last October. We were hoping we would find the perfect dress there and that we could say we both found our wedding dresses at the same vintage shop in NYC. The problem is, the shop is a little pricey and finding something within reason can feel like a blessing within itself, as was the case for mine. We found so many things we wanted to buy but could only appreciate for the moment. She didn't find a dress, but I did, which was silly because I wasn't the one looking. Maybe it's just a lucky shop for me. I have been wanting a Selkie dress for years but they are so expensive. I found one on the rack, exactly my size, for $200. I would never spend that much usually but I had told myself I would purchase one pair of Dr. Marten boots for myself when I got my financial aid as a late birthday gift to myself. The ones I wanted were exactly $200 and I hadn't bought them yet. I knew if I got the dress, I couldn't get the shoes, but it felt worth it. Leah was so excited about my find and hyped me up, saying I had enough shoes already, when would I have another opportunity to get this dress? I tried it on and it was stunning, I couldn't resist. I called Maverick and told him about this to get his opinion and unsurprisingly, he agreed with Leah. They are usually on the same wavelength so I figured this would be the case. The woman who owns the store heard me talking about my dilemma and said she wouldn't charge me tax since it was labor day weekend and she loves Dr. Martens too. She said "maybe this will help you still be able to get those shoes later" and charged me a flat $198, exactly what was listed on the price tag. 

This shop called Ray's Candy Store went viral on social media a while ago. It's a little old fashioned snack shop run by a 90 year old man who opened the store in the 70's after immigrating. I've had it on my list for a while and we finally got to go. I wasn't even very hungry but I wanted to try something since we were there. They had a beverage called an egg cream, apparently a NY drink that is well known in the area. I decided to try it because it fit the vibe and it didn't sound like it would be too heavy. Plus a small was $5 and Leah didn't want anything. Despite the name, an egg cream is apparently just flavoring, milk, and carbonated water. I was nervous to try it but it was actually delicious and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I find it funny too because I don't even like pop. Leah gave it a small sip and said it wasn't bad but I think the ingredients were enough to make her not be super into it. We had some time to kill before meeting another friend of mine in the park for a picnic so we walked around and stumbled across some thrift stores. We looked around at a couple but by the time we found a huge one with all of the good things, we had to leave, we had already made ourselves late. My friend Ava lives in NYC and told us to meet her at Sheep's Meadow in Central Park. She had never met Leah before but both of them are extremely close to me so I was excited for them to finally get to know each other. Leah was especially excited, she was the one that suggested we meet up with Ava while in the city. For the picnic, we had brought grapes and sea salt chips, the Miss Vickie's kind, my favorite. Both snacks Leah picked up before I got there because she knew I liked them and I was so excited to have a break to rest and nibble on food. When we showed up, Ava had some blankets set out and the park was full of people. She had brought an entire charcuterie board. It looked like a professional spread with several cheeses, pita crackers, the fancy marbled meat (idk what it's actually called), chocolate covered pistachios, and some special kind of grape that looked more like blueberries to me. The board had her last name engraved into the wood, it was so extra and yet I expected nothing less. Ava is a character, very extra and bouijee, and I love that about her. She also had brought sparking water with little pink glitter cups and toothpicks with pink hearts at the end. It was so perfect, I was so happy to be there and just to be part of it. The weather was gorgeous, a little cloudy with a nice breeze but still warm. We talked for hours and hours. At some point Leah got really quiet and I was worried that she might not be having a good time but later she reminded me of how jet lagged she was and she was just exhausted. It was funny enough though because Ava had been in Europe for a month and arrived back in NYC the same day Leah did. So I was the only one not jet lagged I suppose. I showed Ava the Selkie dress I had purchased and she absolutely adored it. I told her I got it at the same vintage shop that she had taken me for my wedding dress and she said me and the shop have really good chemistry, lol. Like I said, I must be lucky. There's not much more to say about this part even though it is what we spent the majority of our day doing. I was able to fill Ava in on Bella and Gianni. I hadn't told her anything yet but she grew up with all of us, knowing Bella well and Gianni decently. She was so happy that this is finally happening, we all are. 

Leah really wanted to check out a little shop that makes "old fashioned Coke" by mixing carbonated water and flavoring. I admittedly was very excited too, I love anything that commits to being old fashioned. After we finally wrapped up the picnic, we rushed over to the shop and found out they had just closed 6 minutes prior. Leah was really disappointed, I could see it on her face even though she tried to stay optimistic. I felt bad because I knew I should have ended the picnic earlier but the little shop didn't have hours listed online so we really had no idea what we should have been aiming for. She asked me to please not go without her and she would do the same, I agreed. It would feel wrong going there without her for the first time anyways, it was the place she had picked. Her feet were killing her from all of the walking and she had spent her long travel day in little heeled boots since they were too big to fit in her luggage. We were exhausted because at this point, it was just past 6pm. We had been up for 12 hours and running around the city for most of it. We agreed it was time to go back to the hotel and relax. When we finally got back, we weren't very hungry because of all the snacks from the picnic. We started to relax and get ready to lay down when Maverick called me. He was going to the bar back in Baltimore with our friends and he had started drinking early so he was tipsy. When I told him what we were doing he said, "I know that place has a hotel bar, go grab a couple of drinks." Somehow that was the best idea I had heard in a while and Leah seemed excited for that too. We realized we hadn't drank together since probably 2020, every time we've gotten together since has been just for a few hours while one of us visited the city the other lived in. There is no time to drink when you know you'll be driving hours back home in a few hours. The hotel bar was empty when we arrived and honestly, the vibe was a little off putting. It just kinda felt like a dark cold corner in a bright hotel and it wasn't very welcoming. We didn't care though, the idea of grabbing a drink gave us a second wind and we were giggly and hyper again. I got a margarita even though I hate tequila and she got a drink I can't remember. The bartender was very friendly and talked to us off and on throughout the night, excited to have some company. A few other people came in as we were there but they were all old and not the type you would want to talk to anyways. Leah and I started looking at old pictures together from 2018 and it felt like such a throwback. We were laughing so hard, pointing at the pictures and bringing up what we remembered from the night and things we will never forget. Out of our friend group from that time, we are the only two that are still friends and it felt bittersweet looking at the faces of people we once loved but will likely never see again. Part of me misses that time in my life more than words can express. That halfway point between having no real obligations and being an adult... now we are just full adults. At that time, our apartments were directly beside each other and seeing her was a 5 minute walk, a 2 minute run. Now we are coordinating trips, extended layovers in bigger cities so we can have just one full day together. Isn't it crazy how quickly time flies by? 

We decided to head back to the hotel at a decent time. I think we were ready for bed by 11pm. I called and spoke to Maverick briefly to ensure he made it home safely and then laid down. I tried to stay up on my phone but I couldn't and fell asleep with it in my hands. That's how you know you've had a good day. Sunday morning she let me sleep in and woke me up around 8am. We ate a big breakfast again but didn't take the time to get ready, it was a travel day for both of us. We said our goodbyes and it felt sad but I knew I would see her in October which will be here within the blink of an eye. She sent me home with the leftover snacks and I was thankful but the extra bag was heavy. She left around 10:30am and my bus didn't leave until 3:00pm. I went to Chinatown, where my bus left from, and relaxed at the park. It was another beautiful day and sitting at a park for a couple of hours after a busy weekend and my first week back in school felt like a luxury. I called Bella and chatted with her for a while, surprised she answered my call. She had just woken up and seemed to be in a sad mood so I mostly just talked about random silly things to try to cheer her up until she said she had to go. I called my dad, who I don't call often because he doesn't love talking on the phone, and we chatted for a while before he wanted his Sunday afternoon nap. The phone got passed to Tyler, my 12 year old brother, and we chatted for a good amount of time. The afternoon flew by between these calls and before I knew it, it was time to walk to the bus. I bought my tickets on Thursday so the buses I was riding on were unfamiliar to me and a little trashy. But hey, it got me from point A to B and I was able to see my friends, I can't complain. I was so upset because I had grabbed my phone charger but it's USB-C and the ports they had were just plain USB. I had talked on the phone so long, my phone was almost dead and I had a three and a half hour bus ride. I slept as much as I could but then I woke up to Bella calling me. I felt such deep regret that I didn't grab my other charger because I hate wasting an opportunity to talk to her but I literally did not have the battery life. Almost like it was manifested, the bus stopped right after at a gas station and I ran in and bought a cord. I got back to my seat and when I went to plug it in, both of the USB ports in my section were broken. I felt like I had the worst luck every in that moment because the same thing happened on my bus ride to NYC yet everyone else was charging their phones just fine both times. I plugged my cord in at the spot behind me. The ports were in the ceiling, there was only one man sitting there, he had nothing plugged in, and because my new cord was so long, it came directly to me and didn't hang in his space at all. He unplugged it and threw it on the ground. I wanted to spit in his eye. Instead, I asked the woman in front of me if I could plug my cord in hers and she said yes, so I was able to call Bella and talk for a long time. She told me more about her troubles with Gianni, how he's being a pest and not respecting any boundaries. I listened and tried to give advice sparingly. At the end of the day, I know she will do what she wants and nothing anyone says can change that. I got to my bus stop and Maverick was there waiting for me with Taco Bell. He got my favorite burrito and saved me one of the Cinnabon bites from the two pack, as we always do when we go together. 

I had such a perfect weekend but I was happy to be home. I felt grateful that Monday was labor day so I could have a day of rest before starting my school week. This upcoming weekend will be just as busy as this weekend. I installed some of those rainbow iridescent window covers on my windows while Maverick watched college football. I hate college football, it seems like a waste of time but he enjoys it. I felt so relieved getting the windows covered now that we live on the ground floor and people can see straight inside the apartment when walking by. The blinds weren't working because the cats love people watching and have destroyed the blinds within just a month of trying to walk between them and the window. Maverick wanted to run to the gas station for a drink which I was excited about. I love night runs but he leaving the house once he's home so it's something we very rarely do. I was scared to drive my car, the tire has a huge bulb on it and we really should not be driving on that tire right now. However, because of finances, we had no option since we share the car and Maverick has to work. This felt like an unnecessary trip that could not be worth the treat but I had hope it would be alright. I have an appointment scheduled for 4 new tires this Friday, we just have to make it that much longer. When we were walking into the gas station, a man walked up behind a man sitting on a bike and yelled "money or your life!" We were absolutely petrified for about one minute before realizing they were friends, lol. The tires ended up being fine and he grabbed some kind of diet pop and I grabbed a chocolate milk. When we were back home, we wrapped up what we were doing before we left and went to bed. I was excited to be laying with him again. I washed the comforter before I left and forgot to tell him to move it to the dryer so we only had our small quilt. It's not quiet big enough to fully cover your shoulders if you want it on your feet too so I was chilly. I always call Maverick a human radiator because he is so warm at nights, I can just cuddle up to him and be perfectly fine, which is what I did. I felt grateful for being here, for this life, for friends, for experiences, for everything. I'd say it was a wonderful weekend. 

A new beginning

 

    I am obsessed with the idea of documenting our lives. Videos, pictures, journal entries. Making my mark more permanent, not because I worry about leaving my impression on the world once I am gone, but for myself. I am nostalgic for everything that has passed because it has passed. My New Year resolution was to journal every day but writing for as long as I need to hurts my hand, and I really need my hands to be in optimal condition to paint. I don't even want to be a painter anymore but I am because it's the only thing I know that I am. I have simply been a painter for so long, it's the only thing I can think of when people ask me to describe myself or what I enjoy doing. I don't enjoy it, but I still say it. Because if I don't like painting anymore what do I like? And when I can't answer that I scramble around in my head and think about how I am simply just a shadow of a person that exists only to those around me and to those who see me walking swiftly down the street. Anyway, I came here to say that blogging seems like a better thing for me. I think I can actually commit to writing for a little while every day since typing is so much quicker and less aggressive on my hands. This is supposed to be my intro entry but I do worry that this won't give me the same feeling I get when I journal. As of right now I feel empty but that may just be me, I don't know anymore. However, I do know that when I was walking home from work today I remembered why I love being alive. It's only the end of August but the air is cool, like early fall. Back home, it stays hot for much longer, it's basically summer until it's winter. There is a fall, in fact everyone loves to brag about how we have all four seasons, but to me it only feels like it lasts for a couple days in between the big two. I miss home and talk about how much I hate Baltimore. People on the East Coast are so rude, untactful, they have no manners. People drive recklessly, they honk constantly, and no one smiles and asks the pleasantries. This weather right now almost makes it all worth it. Mom says this is a sign of a long cold winter but I don't care. The chilly breeze brushing against my arms, the smell of fire in the air. Someone must be grilling, no one has yards out here for a backyard fire. The smell throws me back to growing up in the midwest. A cool fall day, a bonfire on someone's land, orange leaves and family and friends and no worries or concerns. It sometimes feels like my life here is all worries and concerns but I can't tell if that is just part of being an adult. The more people I talk to it seems like it may be which I can probably navigate just fine. I'm in graduate school right now so I'm in a bit of a bubble between being a student and a real adult. I am a wife, I take care of my home, I'm a mom to two cats, I pay my bills and live across the country away from all of my family whom I love. That is what adults do I think but I also go to school in my little backpack and get to dress up in fun outfits. The duality of man I guess. I love my school, I've met so many incredible people and as much as I love to make my complaints, Baltimore has been great for a lot of reasons. I think about who I would be had I never left but I can't even imagine her in my head. I would be a girl with a lot less debt, that is for sure, hehe. I'm having some friendship problems right now but I think I am the least confrontational person on all of Earth. I am in the stage where I just try to pretend everything is going great and laugh at all of their jokes while shoving down the thoughts that are trying so hard to overpower my giggles with eye rolls. One thing I really hate about myself is I have no emotional control. I am a person entirely driven by emotion, every decision and move is made with that, no logic involved it feels at times. When I start to feel negatively about someone, I try my best to turn the ship around and go back to before those thoughts. I think of the negativity as a little seed planting in my head. The roots spreading slowly at first but with a blink of an eye, their roots have wrapped themselves around my brain and taken over. I can no longer think of the person with admiration and happiness, I can only see the things that annoy me. I am trying to work on that, I think too many friendships have been damaged because of this. I love telling everyone that being emotional is a superpower, not enough people know how. As much as I believe that to a point, I also see how it can crush the foundation right beneath your feet. Sigh. I've just been feeling a lot of weight on my chest recently. I feel like my ribs are caving in and it's hard to breathe. I am so lonely but I am almost never alone, I don't even know what that means. My soul is aching so badly for something I can't clearly identify and I am trying my best to soothe it. One day at a time, one breath at time, I can do this. I think tomorrow will be better, I need it to be.