I am obsessed with the idea of documenting our lives. Videos, pictures, journal entries. Making my mark more permanent, not because I worry about leaving my impression on the world once I am gone, but for myself. I am nostalgic for everything that has passed because it has passed. My New Year resolution was to journal every day but writing for as long as I need to hurts my hand, and I really need my hands to be in optimal condition to paint. I don't even want to be a painter anymore but I am because it's the only thing I know that I am. I have simply been a painter for so long, it's the only thing I can think of when people ask me to describe myself or what I enjoy doing. I don't enjoy it, but I still say it. Because if I don't like painting anymore what do I like? And when I can't answer that I scramble around in my head and think about how I am simply just a shadow of a person that exists only to those around me and to those who see me walking swiftly down the street. Anyway, I came here to say that blogging seems like a better thing for me. I think I can actually commit to writing for a little while every day since typing is so much quicker and less aggressive on my hands. This is supposed to be my intro entry but I do worry that this won't give me the same feeling I get when I journal. As of right now I feel empty but that may just be me, I don't know anymore. However, I do know that when I was walking home from work today I remembered why I love being alive. It's only the end of August but the air is cool, like early fall. Back home, it stays hot for much longer, it's basically summer until it's winter. There is a fall, in fact everyone loves to brag about how we have all four seasons, but to me it only feels like it lasts for a couple days in between the big two. I miss home and talk about how much I hate Baltimore. People on the East Coast are so rude, untactful, they have no manners. People drive recklessly, they honk constantly, and no one smiles and asks the pleasantries. This weather right now almost makes it all worth it. Mom says this is a sign of a long cold winter but I don't care. The chilly breeze brushing against my arms, the smell of fire in the air. Someone must be grilling, no one has yards out here for a backyard fire. The smell throws me back to growing up in the midwest. A cool fall day, a bonfire on someone's land, orange leaves and family and friends and no worries or concerns. It sometimes feels like my life here is all worries and concerns but I can't tell if that is just part of being an adult. The more people I talk to it seems like it may be which I can probably navigate just fine. I'm in graduate school right now so I'm in a bit of a bubble between being a student and a real adult. I am a wife, I take care of my home, I'm a mom to two cats, I pay my bills and live across the country away from all of my family whom I love. That is what adults do I think but I also go to school in my little backpack and get to dress up in fun outfits. The duality of man I guess. I love my school, I've met so many incredible people and as much as I love to make my complaints, Baltimore has been great for a lot of reasons. I think about who I would be had I never left but I can't even imagine her in my head. I would be a girl with a lot less debt, that is for sure, hehe. I'm having some friendship problems right now but I think I am the least confrontational person on all of Earth. I am in the stage where I just try to pretend everything is going great and laugh at all of their jokes while shoving down the thoughts that are trying so hard to overpower my giggles with eye rolls. One thing I really hate about myself is I have no emotional control. I am a person entirely driven by emotion, every decision and move is made with that, no logic involved it feels at times. When I start to feel negatively about someone, I try my best to turn the ship around and go back to before those thoughts. I think of the negativity as a little seed planting in my head. The roots spreading slowly at first but with a blink of an eye, their roots have wrapped themselves around my brain and taken over. I can no longer think of the person with admiration and happiness, I can only see the things that annoy me. I am trying to work on that, I think too many friendships have been damaged because of this. I love telling everyone that being emotional is a superpower, not enough people know how. As much as I believe that to a point, I also see how it can crush the foundation right beneath your feet. Sigh. I've just been feeling a lot of weight on my chest recently. I feel like my ribs are caving in and it's hard to breathe. I am so lonely but I am almost never alone, I don't even know what that means. My soul is aching so badly for something I can't clearly identify and I am trying my best to soothe it. One day at a time, one breath at time, I can do this. I think tomorrow will be better, I need it to be.
